I was born in a trunk in the Princess Theater, in Pocatella, Idaho...wait that was the Garland character in "A Star Is Born."
I came onto this planet on this date, circa 1948, Second of 2 children, born to Charles E. and Gertrude M. Carlson.
Fast forward: 1956
Father died aged 36. I was 6. Raised by a determined Mother, who, due to Dad's excessive medical bills from a year of hospitalization, lost everything. House, car... EVERYTHING.
Fast forward: 1957
Family surviving on SS benefits and whatever Mom could scrape together doing This and That. No welfare for us. Move into housing project. Rent $125 a month. Bare bones minimal existence.
Toxic neighborhood. Mom doing best to hold family together by instinct alone.
Fast forward: 1963
Out of projects. Renting half of duplex in Payne Avenue area. A major step up. Mom has a job as church secretary. She has become embittered, vindictive, insanely strict and a pseudo religious fanatic. Severs all ties with my Dad's family over imagined slights.
Fast forward: 1966-1967
Out of school. Discover world, freewill. Leave home. Embrace counter culture and all the joys and pitfalls it contains.
Fast forward: 1970-1973
Minimal memories. Stoned too much.
Fast forward: 1974-1979
Broke hearts. Had mine broken. Became self indulgent asshole.
Married-Divorced. Way too immature.
Fast forward: 1980-2000
Settled down. Working hard. Married again. Fatherhood. Life changes. Family becomes
all- consuming. Start to become reclusive.
Fast forward: 2001-2011
Same old, same old. Loving wife & daughter. Daughter all grown, gets married.
Tragedy on the horizon.
Wife passes. Become Zombified
Fast forward 2012-2013
Daughter and friends hold me together. Start to come out of trance and begin to accept life once more.
Current reflections:
I've had the best and the worst. I've suffered losses.
Probably no more nor less then others. Starting to enjoy everything.
Still a cynical smartass, tempered with a little more tolerance.
Proud as hell of my daughter Andrea.  Thanks to all who have kept me alive.

Plagiarizing Sinatra:  "I've been up and down, over and out and I know one thing:

Life is good. Happy fucking Birthday to me.

The pause that refreshes

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night... and temporarily, good bye

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Let me preface this adventure in prose by stating, if I boycotted every celebrity, or every "common man",
who I had differences with of a political, philosophical or lifestyle nature, then I would become the most reclusive human on the planet. Hells bells. At times, I disagree with my own conceptual existence.

Last night at the Republican convention, Clint Eastwood was tapped to be one of the ultra pro Romney cheerleaders.

The Good: It's always good to see Clint Eastwood. After all, he is a movie star of the highest magnitude. He is a great director & he is responsible for some of my favorite films.

The Bad: Whoever wrote that speech that Clint gave while supposedly praising Mitt Romney.

The Ugly: The crowd reactions to the mock "conversation" between Clint & President Obama.
They responded like giddy little school girls experiencing their first prepubescent orgasm while watching "The Beatles" perform on Ed Sullivan.
All that was missing was for someone to show up in blackface, resemblant of Ted Danson's infamous appearance at the "Friars Roast" for Whoopi Goldberg a few decades past.

There is a not so thinly veiled aspect of racism running through the Republican party. Explain the peanut throwing incident involving two delegates & a black CNN camerawoman at the convention.
Explain the pictures of Obama with a bone through his nose, or a picture of watermelons strewn on the White House lawn that was featured predominately at "Tea Party" rallies. Explain the disenfranchisement  of minorities through changing voting registration, early voting restrictions, voter I.D. requirements.

Watching the shenanigans at the convention have pushed me over the precipice that is racism.
Watching this election campaign, I must admit that I have become a racist as well.
With all sincerity, I proudly proclaim, I hate the human race. What the fuck happened to us?

The state of the Fair

Went back to The Minnesota State Fair yesterday for the first time in six years. It's not that I don't enjoy going, it's that I've been there before.
I attended the Fair, or as the locals like to boast, " The Great Minnesota Get Together", with my daughter & son- in- law. In mid walkabout, I mentioned to them that I attended more Fairs then their combined ages. (61) A slight exaggeration, but not to far from the truth.
We went on sixth day. It is still relatively clean, although, I noticed that there was a continual presence of clean up crews this time around. Not like years past when it seemed the organizers of the fair were overwhelmed by the number of attendees & the trash they could produce. Of course, everything looks bigger when your a kid.
There were lots of renovations that had taken place in just the last 6 year that were quite noticeable.
The most surprising change was the modernization of the public restrooms. Holy moley, doors on every crapper stall, better lighting, motion activated faucets, individual urinals & the best part, cleaner.
I did eventually find up near "Machinery Hill" (farming equipment), an unrenovated restroom with the giant trough for pissing.  Ah, the good old days.
I shared fried pickles, shared fried gator,  whole hogged devoured a foot long hotdog, slathered in caramelized onions, pork chop on a stick, sno-cone (cherry), several sodas & mucho agua. It was getting warmer & more humid by this time.
A very fine time was had by all, with one minor exception. 5 hours of traversing the acres upon acres of fair grounds with gimpy knees. Short term memory loss made me forget to wear my knee braces, although it is doubtful they would have helped all that much with the excessive walking.
At the end of the time trip, when finally ensconced back home, with 3 ibuprofen surging toward the aches & pains, I settled in my favorite lazy boy chair & immediately dozed off for an hour or so.
It was a delight to reexperience what was one of the highlights of days gone by with my grownup daughter & her hubby. Sadly, this may well be the last Fair that I attend. The cravings for the unhealthy, but so damn good to the taste, high chloesterolic food, does not compensate for the agony of what are, at this point, extremely gimpy knees.  As the time moves on, the aches fade, & the cravings return, I'm sure that some time in the future, I may do it all over again, because it is after all, it is the, " Great Minnesota Get Together."

Piss And Moan

I was in a great mood today until...

If there is a Heaven or a Hell, whichever place we will spend eternity, I hope the Third Worlders will have to spend 24/7 in a driving school.  In the mean time, while you are here on Earth... at least try to learn the fucking rules of the road.
Big mistake - Senior & welfare day at the grocery store. By seniors, I mean those way older then I.
I'm in my mid sixties, & these elders should all be in a home. I realize that grocery shopping is probably
one of the last big thrills for them, they get to go out  & meet the friends etc. For the Christ sake... stop blocking the aisles while you compare aches & pains & your latest bout of constipation. Stop cutting people off to get your prune juice.  Just because you're old, does not excuse your rudeness. You haven't earned that right just because you are old. Above all else... pay attention to other customers & move. Get out of my fucking way. I didn't plan to spend 1 hour in the store, when normally, I'm in & out in 1/2 hour. Where are the "death panels" now that we need them.
Why do I lately get in the check out line behind Welfarers. Time stands still while they sort their groceries according to what gets paid for by which voucher. Check their ID. Check it again. Issue a new voucher. Explain they need cash to pay for certain items not covered by the vouchers. Get a job & find a different store.

And The Winner Is...

AOA Trophy

The Anal Orifice Award was conceived over 40 years ago. The past recipients were known only to a few close friends due to lack of any form of media willing to publish the winner's name
of this coveted trophy. This award is given randomly, with no set timeline.

My thanks to the media giant, Google for their access that allowed me to create my Blog.
Also my thanks to The Arizona Republic for the quotes, & Wikipedia for some of the background of the winner.

The qualifications needed to become a recipient of the AOA, are complex.
The candidates must say or do something so venal, so irresponsible, so vile & ludicrous that those statements or actions are deemed completely abhorrent to the mores of a rational society.

History:
This recipient sponsored "Arizona SB1070" an anti illegal immigration measure, since ruled mostly unconstitutional by a Federal Court. Proposed to deny U.S. citizenship to children born in this country to illegal immigrants. Deemed in violation of the 14th Amendment. Hence, unconstitutional.

In 2006, this recipient called for the renewal of the 1950's immigration enforcement program called "Operation Wetback." Also in 2006, this AOA winner had included in an email to supporters, the text from an article by a white separatist group. The crux of the article was anti-Semitic. Citing "multiculturalism" as a Jewish anti-white conspiracy, as well as the usual Holocaust denial.

The AOA winner was a known associate of J.T. Ready, who allegedly killed his girlfriend, her daughter, 15 month old granddaughter, daughter's fiancé, and himself.  Ready a former Neo-Nazi, was at the time of his death, under investigation by the FBI for domestic terrorist involvement in the shooting to death of immigrants found in the desert.

The recipient became the 1st Arizona State Senator to be removed from office via a recall election.

The past of this xenophobic, although interesting, is not the reason for winning the AOA.

Regarding the Aurora, Colorado theater massacre, this AOA winner wrote on his Facebook page the following: "Someone should have stopped this man. Someone could have stopped this man. Lives were lost because of a bad man, not because he had a weapon, but because no one was prepared to to stop it. Had they been prepared to save their lives or the lives of others, lives would have been saved. All that was needed was on Courages/brave man prepared mentally or otherwise to stop this"

Because of the complete insensitivity to the victims, their families & the survivors. Because of the belief that theater goers should have been armed themselves and recreated "The Gunfight At The O.K Corral". Allow me, with complete distain for the recipient, present the Anal Orifice Award to former Arizona State Senator, Russell Pearce. You, Mr. Pearce, are officially recognized as an Asshole.

As old as my tongue

Sadly, I've reached that age, if someone mentions a three way , the first thing I think of is light bulbs.

If I get much older, the only dating that will interest me, will be Carbon Dating  to determine my age.

I do remember the who, but not the how.  Or the when. 

Stolen joke: 

I recently went to the doctor & had a complete physical. The doctor told me that I had the body of a 40 year old.  I should give it back because I'm getting it all wrinkled.

But, seriously, folks.  Dr. Shewin B. Nuland has authored a best selling book entitled, " The Art of Aging."

What is portrayed in commercials, as a Norman Rockwell-esque experience, in reality, is more of a Salvador Dali or Jackson Pollock type of existence. Much more surrealistic & abstract. Aside from the usual amount of regrets & more gaffes then Mitt Romney's campaign, I have had & am having a  pretty 

good life. My health is good. There are the usual aches & pains, which I've had most of my life, mostly due to the false belief of immortality you have as a youth. I do the same things I did when I was younger, except not as often. The recovery time is a bitch.

With more introspection, (if I wanted), I'm sure there are a few things that I would have done differently. However, if I could do it over again, I would. Exactly as I did before. 

The mantra of Sinatra doing it "My Way",  or Popeye's " I am what I am", for me, has transcended

beyond the cliche.

In my case, the adage that "life is short", is the furthest thing from the truth. I am having a Capra type of life. It is a long, sweet ride. The whole time, I've been holding an "E ticket." 

Peace & Rock On.